“Don’t go to the hardware store for milk!”
Cheryl Richardson
This is one of my favorite quotes from life coach Cheryl Richardson. In essence it means that we should not expect support, validation, or answers from people who won’t or aren’t able to give us support, validation or answers. We need to know who we can go to for what.
For example, let’s say you have just graduated from college and you are searching for your first full-time role where you’ll start your career. Should you go to your Aunt Millie for advice when her advice is to “just drop in to businesses and apply!” Likewise, you wouldn’t ask random people at the grocery store or your neighbor’s middle school student. Instead you will ask and listen to people knowledgeable in job transition – employment networking groups, career coaches, and podcasters and authors dedicated to the topic.
However, Aunt Millie may be the exact person you go to for emotional support while trying to find that first role. Perhaps she embodies empathy and is the perfect person to listen, gently challenge and encourage.
No one person has every skill, talent, or experience. We can’t expect those around us to support us in exactly the way we need support if that type of support is not in their repertoire. Often we are disappointed when we expect a response and don’t get that response. Ever been super excited about an accomplishment, and when you share it the other person says, “that’s nice” and moves the conversation to something else? You were hoping they would be excited along with you and you’d have someone to celebrate with. Instead of being disappointed, ask yourself if you might have gone to the hardware store for milk. If you did, you can choose not to be disappointed when you don’t find any.
Inner Circle
In John Maxwell’s book The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, John talks about the Law of the Inner Circle. These are people carefully chosen for their complimentary gifts and character. The Inner Circle will make a leader stronger – or weaker if poorly chosen. I believe you can have a personal Inner Circle in life as well. These are people you trust and lean on when needed. The key is having a variety of people in your Inner Circle that you can go to for different needs.
The tricky part is we want to include our family or best friends by default. Sometimes these people are a good fit for our person Inner Circle and sometimes they are not. It takes a lot of courage to quietly move someone close to you out of your Inner Circle. (I say quietly – no one needs to know you have an Inner Circle or who is in your Inner Circle.) You can still love a person for who they are and for their own strengths and talents, but for certain needs they do not need to be the first person you turn to. If you did, you’d be going to the hardware store for milk.
engineer your life
- Have you had an experience where you’ve tried to go to the hardware store for milk? That is, have you been disappointed when you wanted someone to react a certain way when you asked for support, validation, or advice and they reacted differently?
- Consider your life at work and outside of work. Who is in your work Inner Circle? Who is in your personal Inner Circle?
- Who might you need to move out of your Inner Circle or into your Inner Circle?
References
“How to get a masters in the school of life”, https://cherylrichardson.com/newsletters/how-to-get-a-masters-in-the-school-of-life/ Accessed October 4, 2020
Stand Up for Your Life: A Practical Step-by-Step Plan to Build Inner Confidence and Personal Power by Cheryl Richardson
The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership: Follow Them and People Will Follow You by John Maxwell