You’ve no doubt heard by now that this “safer at home” season is a time of opportunity. I’ve heard some great success stories about people finding new jobs, about people learning new skills, about people enjoying their families more, and about creative business ideas (like being able to invite a llama to your next Zoom meeting. Goat 2 Meeting is so popular they have a waitlist.)
But what if you’re not measuring up? What if you’ve taken to heart the advice to figure out what you want to be proud of when you look back on this time when it’s all said and done, but you are frustrated and scared that you’re not going to have anything meaningful to point to?
You’re worried because you care about growth…
If I’m talking to you, please know this: that you are worried about significance and meaning during this time means you care. You are demonstrating that you want to grow and you want to succeed. You may need to change your perspective in order to understand that you are likely already growing and already succeeding.
…but we can’t compare our growth and success to that of others
There’s not a life coach that I know of that will tell you that comparing yourself, your definition of success, your plan, or your results to others will ever make you happy or fulfilled. We must define success for ourselves, relative to our context. And everyone’s context is different, especially now.
Looking at my own situation, I see the Weight Watchers commercials features people who are still at it, exercising, losing weight, and succeeding, despite the circumstances. I see the various commercials featuring people creatively exercising in their living room. I say to myself, I should get more cardio in. Actually I say I should get any cardio in. I’ve been walking and doing some pushups, but I’m missing the cardio. I have been making excuses.
Change “I should” to “I will”
I recently heard a coach say that when we hear ourselves saying “I should” we should change that to “I will” and determine if it still resonates. “I will get my cardio in.” When I put it that way I must admit, I can overcome any of the excuses I’ve set forth for myself. With the zillion or so home workouts available for free or with the memberships I already have, there’s a handful that fit my needs and meet me where I’m at.
What if you change your “I should” to “I will” and it doesn’t resonate with you? Let’s say you hear about people taking online courses, listening to podcasts on self-growth and leadership, and you feel you are not keeping up. The following three steps can help you with the direction you should take:
- Catch yourself using “I should” language and use it as a trigger to evaluate what’s going on. The use of that language is probably an indication of underlying stress about not measuring up.
- Change the phrase to “I will”.
- Define what success looks like for you. When you say “I will” does that resonate with you? Is it important that you do that right now? If yes, then go do it! If it can wait, reevaluate it later.
Defining what success looks like for us individually is super important. I’m working with people who are young professionals living alone in apartments, with families with older children who can take care of themselves, with families who have younger children who need a lot of attention, with people building houses, and buying houses, and people taking care of their parents. Some people have extra time due to the situation and others are swamped, either with work or family or both. Success for everyone is going to look different.
Defining your own success
Be honest with yourself each day. Look around you and take inventory of what your skills are, what you value, the opportunities you have, and the person you want to be. Have grace with yourself. You may have a lot of aspirations competing at this time. Some of them are going to have to wait and you need to be OK with this.
For someone training for an Ironman, my goal of 20-30 minutes of HIIT training a day is not a definition of success. But it is for me. If I get caught up in comparing myself to a top athlete, I’ll be a puddle in no time (I’m not training hard enough, I’m not capable of performing at that level, I weigh too much, and on it goes). I take comfort in defining success for myself in a way that is positive and appropriate for me in this time.
Does that mean I shouldn’t pay attention to how a top trainer or athlete gets results? No! Learn from top performers. Listen to the coaches. Look at the results of others. Then decide for yourself what to take on and what not to take on that will lead to your individual success for the day.
tl;dr
Comparing your daily success to others, especially in this season, can lead to feelings of less-than and not measuring up. Your situation is unique, and you need to define success for you, and not using someone else’s goals, standards, or results as a measure. If you are finding yourself using the phrase “I should”, exchange it for “I will”. If it still resonates with you, then go do it. If it doesn’t then drop or delay it for now.
engineer your life
- Monitor your thoughts and words throughout the day, looking for the phrase “I should”. Exchange it for “I will” and determine if that action is still appropriate.
- The night before or early in the morning, jot down three things that when you accomplish them will mean you can say you have had a successful day. (Remember, these don’t have to be grand. For example, setting aside time to connect with someone outside or inside your home may be one of your value-driven goals for the day.)