At this time of the year, December, we focus a lot on giving. We buy gifts, we make treats to share, and we host parties and dinners. We hear that it’s better to give than to receive.

Do you feel a little guilty when you receive a gift? Maybe not if you were expecting one. But what if you weren’t expecting it? Or what if you exchange gifts and the gift you receive is much more valuable than the one you gave? What if out of the blue a friend gives you a gift and you had no intention (and if you’re honest the thought never crossed your mind) to get them a gift?

If I get a gift for someone that I don’t normal exchange gifts with it’s because I want to acknowledge that they are special to me or did something I really appreciated. I once gave a small gift to my friend who was very supportive of me while I was in job transition. I gave her a small Santa figurine. Luckily, she really liked it and she thanked me. I was happy she liked it and I was happy I got a chance to acknowledge her.

But what if my friend didn’t just say thank you. What if, in the middle of her kitchen, she was suddenly overwhelmed with uneasiness and guilt because she didn’t have something ready for me to exchange? What if she felt so bad she started looking around her kitchen for something to give to me? And in a half-panic she handed me a spatula…” for being such a good friend.”

I’d have thought she was off her rocker. And, in addition to thinking she was acting crazy, I would have judged her actions to be insincere. A randomly selected spatula out of the utensil crock chosen in a panic does not shout “I’ve been meaning to acknowledge you for something you did that impacted me.”

Let’s change the situation a bit. What if I didn’t get her a gift, but rather I just told her how much I appreciated her support during a trying time. My friend probably would have said “thank you”. But what if her response was one of uneasiness, and maybe guilt because she didn’t have anything in mind to compliment me on? What if in a half-panic she said, “oh, it was nothing and you’re a great friend too.”

A verbal spatula.

It wouldn’t have been sincere, and the “compliment” would only have been given because of a sense of obligation.

I’ve been guilty of giving people verbal spatulas. Maybe you have too. How about if we all just practice saying thank you and leaving it at that. Express your gratitude, but don’t feel you need to give something in exchange. It’s a gift to the giver when you enjoy the gift they have given to you. And, if they are a Q2 Leader, they aren’t expecting anything in return. They truly just want to do something nice for you.

If it’s a physical gift or a compliment, try one of these phrases:

  • “Thank you, I really appreciate it”
  • “Thank you for the feedback”
  • “Thank you, I’m glad you liked it”

And that’s it. Note how you feel. You will probably feel a little uncomfortable because you’re used to reaching into your verbal utensil crock pot and handing out verbal spatulas. Replace that urge with a smile instead and keep your spatula to yourself.

tl;dr

We can be better gift receivers by not feeling guilty or obligated to give a gift to someone who has just given us a gift.

engineer your life

Next time someone gives you a compliment, monitor what you want to say. If the urge to give them a compliment back wells up, table that thought and just say “thank you”. See how you feel, and observe how the giver reacts.

Ditto for gifts. If you get a gift when you don’t have one to exchange, express your gratitude. Know that the giver is giving you the gift by their own choice, and (hopefully) not because they expect something in return.