Ever feel like you have a question but hesitate in asking it? The question could be about anything. It could be a technical question, a question about skills, or a bigger question like, how do I know where I’ll add the most value and be the happiest. I’ve been there and find myself there regularly. But I find taking a few minutes to understand why I’m hesitant in asking a question helps me decide whether I will ask it and when. Take a look and see if the following cues resonate with you too.
Fear of being judged negatively
Technical people can be especially straightforward in their responses and feedback. This can feel like negative judgement. Sometimes it is and sometimes it’s just information being presented without the sugar coating. I’ve met people who will ask any question to anyone and no amount of rebuke will faze them. Other people are so afraid of judgement that they never ask questions.
I’m in the middle somewhere. I’m learning to ask more questions and it is serving me well. When someone comes at me sharply, I do my best to put some distance between their response and my response. Instead of letting the words or facial expression or tone of voice hijack my emotions, I step back for a millisecond and decide to be grateful for the information instead. In addition, I do my best to be helpful and communicate with grace when someone asks me a question, in order to role model the behavior I would like to see in others.
What if I really am judged negatively
It happens. You ask a question, knowing you don’t know and knowing you need the answer to be successful, but the person you ask judges you negatively for it.
In these cases, we have to keep the following in mind:
We are talented and skilled at what we’re talented and skilled at. Don’t discount your value. But that doesn’t mean we know everything. Even in our specialty we may have gaps we need to fill or new knowledge to gain.
Not everyone has high EQ (emotional quotient). EQ is about self-awareness. If a colleague is judging us negatively for asking a question, that is feedback we do NOT need to take onboard. Think about a buffet. There are a lot of choices and you are not obligated to eat every single offering. Similarly, we get a lot of feedback presented to us, but we are not obligated to take all of it onboard. Is it harsh when someone gives us that look or directly tells us that we’re not enough? Sure. Find a way to put a little distance between their low-EQ communication style and your response. Be grateful for the information and leave the rest.
We grow when we’re not comfortable. Think about when you’ve grown the most. Was it when you were happy, carefree, laying on a beach somewhere? Or was it when you were presented with a challenge that you had to figure your way through (even if at the time you didn’t know that’s what you were doing)? The challenge can be external or internal. To ask a question you need to succeed, or to move you along your path to achieving your vision, you may need to make yourself a bit uncomfortable.
Have you ever started exercising either for the first time or after a break? It’s awful. You get sore, you’re out of breath, and generally you feel terrible. But you know that if you stop after the first session you won’t get stronger, and you won’t improve your endurance. Keep at it and the soreness subsides (hey, I can walk up and down stairs again!) and you see improvement.
Until you plateau.
At some point you’ll have gained the strength and endurance to do your workout without much trouble. If you want to get stronger and increase endurance, you need to make yourself uncomfortable. Again.
It’s similar with our personal growth. Asking a question you’ve been hesitating to ask will feel miserable the first time you do it. If you never ask a question again you won’t see any personal growth. But if you keep at it, it gets a little easier. Until it’s easy. Then it’s on to the next challenge, whatever that may be for you.
Role modeling
I want to expand on the idea of role modeling the behavior we would appreciate from others. I once worked with an engineer who I needed to ask questions to on occasion. He was a mechanical engineer and let’s just say that discipline is outside my wheelhouse. The first few times I approached with caution. But his response was always so friendly and helpful that I learned to ask questions “I thought I should know” without fear of being judged. He was upbeat, friendly, and helpful. I now do my best to emulate that behavior when people ask me questions. Being a good role model really does influence others.
tl;dr
If you want to ask a question and you’re hesitating, reflect on the reason. Fearing being negatively judged is a huge reason that holds us back. If the answer to your question is in the way of you succeeding, then you need to ask the question. Keep the following in mind: you are valuable; you are talented and skilled; you don’t know everything (and couldn’t possibly know everything). There are people who want to make you feel bad – don’t let them. Choose to be grateful for their information and move on. Be a good role model for answering other people’s questions without negative judgement.
engineer your life
- Practice asking questions. You can start by sending one to me! If it’s a topic that applies to Q2 Leaders, I may create a blog post about it.
- Become aware of when you are triggered by someone’s words, tone of voice or mannerisms. Practice putting some space between you and the stimulus so you can react the way you want to react, not the way your emotions lead you to react.
