“The more authentic you become, the more genuine in your expression, particularly regarding personal experiences and even self-doubts, the more people can relate to your expression and the safer it makes them feel to express themselves. That expression in turn feeds back on the other person’s spirit, and genuine creative empathy takes place, producing new insights and learnings and a sense of excitement and adventure that keeps the process going.”

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey, p. 267

If authenticity leads to synergy, I can’t very well ask you to work on being authentic if I am not willing to do so myself. Covey also quotes Carl Rogers in the above passage, “That which is most personal is most general.” I’ll put this to the test and reveal a bit about myself that I don’t usually share. You can tell me if any of what I am saying is actually general (or if I should keep my personal craziness to myself!).

It’s ok to get hung up on little stuff…if you figure out how to move past it

I sometimes get hung up on small, silly stuff. For example, I had a sewing machine that I hadn’t used in a long time. I decided I wanted to do a little project, and that it would be a good idea to get the machine cleaned and serviced. Trouble was, I hesitated bringing it in for service. At the time, I doubt I could articulate why. I almost asked a friend to do it for me. I think I may have been afraid of having to deal with some sort of judgement, along the lines of, why didn’t you do this sooner? Or, why aren’t you maintaining this better? I have no good answers for either, other than it didn’t occur to me to get it serviced, and it also didn’t occur to me that I needed to maintain it. However, I finally made the appointment and dropped it off. And, they didn’t say anything to me. In fact, they were very nice and even allowed me to leave the machine there a little longer when I got called out of town for work at the last minute. I’ve learned it’s ok to get hung up on small stuff (for a short while), as long as I recognize it as small, and something that can be overcome with a little mental and emotional effort.

Being disrespectful is not ok

On a more serious note, I used to allow people to disrespect me by disrespecting my time. I was never a social person, and I really never got the hang of making friends. And, when I was growing up, I made plenty of mistakes in being a friend. Years ago I dated someone who would say they would call at a certain time. That time would come and go, no call. I had such little confidence and trust in myself that I thought that the feeling of being disrespected (although I’m pretty sure I didn’t call it that at the time) was my problem, that because this person was more socially skilled than I was, that somehow I must not be responding correctly. Well, now I know that’s hogwash. If someone doesn’t keep a commitment to us, even if it’s just a call at a certain time, they are not respecting us because they are not respecting our time. (Of course there can be exceptions and good reasons for breaking that commitment, so trust yourself to discern.) If breaking commitments is a habitual occurrence, you may consider not having this person in your inner circle of trust. I’ve learned to trust myself and my reactions. I still examine how I feel, but I don’t automatically go to “I must be in the wrong.”

I can find a way to be aligned

At one point in my career, I found myself at an impasse. Like a frog in water that’s slowly heating up, I didn’t realize the water had started to boil, and I hadn’t jumped out. I had worked myself into a role that didn’t align with my passion. I was OK at it, and I studied and worked to do a good job. But I couldn’t figure out how to be happy doing it. I wasn’t doing the things management wanted me to do, but I didn’t know how to fix it. My blood pressure was high, I was anxious, my back hurt. I went on vacation with some friends, and after a couple of days of relaxing I announced that I couldn’t believe how stressed I actually was! Part of my problem was I didn’t know what to do next, perhaps because I was too stressed out to think. Because I didn’t know what to do next, I didn’t know how to prepare for the future (which of course stressed me out more).

At some point I heard a recording of a sermon entitled, ‘Run Your Own Race’. It changed my outlook. I started looking for ways to apply what I knew I liked doing to the situation I did have influence over, regardless of how small the reach was. I’m glad I did because that set me up for several presentations where I was able to share my experiences and add value to others.

Self-doubts, feedback, grace

Today my self-doubts are in the area of adding the most value. How can I do that? Am I touching on the right topics? Am I coaching people the way they need to be coached to find, grow, and share their value? I’m also fairly poor at asking for help. It’s on my mind, though, so I’m working at getting better at it.

I get feedback that I listen well, and that I add value by encouraging people to look at themselves as valuable, and by passing along knowledge in a way that helps them in the situation they are in. That feedback makes me think I’m on the right track and helps keep the self-doubts somewhat at bay.

I am much more self-aware than I was when I graduated from college. I also show myself much more grace. I often look back at decisions I’ve made, big and small, recent and long-ago, and tell myself that I made the best decision I could with the tools and skills I had available at the time. In many cases I’d make a different decision today. But that’s what keeps me going. If given a similar “test” in the future, I’ll react in a way that I feel comfortable.

In summary, I find it uncomfortable to write an entire article about some of my experiences that I rarely share. I’m hoping that Stephen Covey is right when he stated that sharing personal experiences can lead to new insights and learnings. My message for you is that if you are or ever have been stuck, stressed, or feeling like you’re not being treated right, you’re not alone. You can get unstuck and destressed. And, you deserve to be treated right.

tl;dr

According to Stephen Covey, being authentic can lead to synergy. Authenticity here means sharing personal experiences and even self-doubts. When people hear you being authentic, they are more likely to open up as well, which can lead to “creative empathy”.

engineer your life

  • Listen for when others are being their authentic selves. Listen with empathy. Thank them for being genuine with you.
  • Is there someone in your life you need to be more authentic with? It could be at home or at work. Think of the people around you who might benefit from hearing an authentic story from you, and then tell it.