Listening for trigger phrases and questions and then using a scripted response can help us seek first to understand before being understood. Seeking to understand takes more intentional effort than passively understanding what’s being communicated. We can make it easier on ourselves by identifying patterns, which we excel at!

The trigger phrase we’ll talk about here is, “Is that really what you want me to do?” A variation is, “Ah, um, ok.”

Delegating a task (and finding out what you don’t know)

Let’s set up the scene. You are asking someone to do something at work. Perhaps it is a sub-task of a bigger project, or a standalone task or project. The task is clear in your head, and you think, “I just need you to do x.” You tell the person to do “x” and they say, “Is that really what you want me to do?”

Of course that’s what I want you to do, you think. It’s straightforward and clear, why would you even ask that?

But if we can put some space between the question and our response, we can recognize this phrase as the trigger, and can follow-up with a question that will help us to understand before being understood. And, by understanding before being understood, we build trust, and the probability of the task being done to our expectations goes up.

Instead of saying what you are thinking, ask, “Do you have a concern around that?”

Similarly, if you are on the other side of the request and what you are thinking is, “Why would they ask me to do that?”, then figure out why (see below) and instead of saying what you are thinking, say, “I have a concern around that.”

The following are responses you may get if you’ve asked if someone has a concern around what you’ve said. These are also responses you may want to give if you have a concern around what you’ve been asked to do.

I’m not sure how to do this

The requestee is telling you they need a bit of information, training, or guidance on how to do what you asked them to do. Phew! Imagine if they went ahead and tried to do whatever it was and they didn’t either know what they were doing or weren’t confident. That’s not to say we shouldn’t challenge each other to figure things out if we don’t yet have that experience. The response may be to provide information or training, or the response may be to encourage them by reinforcing your belief in their potential and then asking them to give it a go. Either way you know where they stand and can monitor their progress to determine what future coaching should look like.

If you don’t know how to do something, ask yourself if it’s something you think you may be able to figure out. If it’s beyond your reach at the moment, voice your concern that you need help in some way. You may start by stating what you do know or what you observe about the situation, and what you think should be done. Then ask for feedback, “Is this how you would go about it?” The feedback will provide guidance and you’ll no doubt progress in your learning.

I don’t have time / this conflicts with another task

Ask what is all on their plate. If you are a manager you may not realize what responsibilities and tasks have accumulated, or perhaps you need to set priorities.

If you are being asked by your manager and you don’t think you have time, then ask if you can go over your tasks and priorities. If the requestor is not your manager, I suggest replying that you need to check in with your manager on priorities because at the moment you don’t have time for this request.

By doing this we may end up with a different result than intended / there may be bad consequences

If you’re the requestor and you get this response, thank the team member for bringing up a risk. If you hadn’t thought of it previously, don’t let your ego get in the way. Praise the team member for thinking it through from a different angle and then figure out what you really want to do.

If you’re the one being asked, bring up the risk. Maybe the requestor thought about it but maybe they didn’t. You have a unique perspective and your input is valuable. When I was a project manager I can’t tell you how many times input from the team saved us (and me!) from making a bad decision.

Why?

When people know the reason behind a request, they move from fear mode to thinking mode. Sometimes all that is needed is a simple explanation. And providing this transparency will help to build trust.

If it’s not clear why you are being asked to do something, you can ask, “What result/goal does this work help achieve?” As long as you ask in a sincere and respectful way, the requestor shouldn’t feel challenged and will hopefully let you know what they are thinking. It will also signal to the requestor that they need to be clearer on the vision and goals.

I don’t understand

This is different than “I’m not sure how to do this.” When someone responds that they don’t understand, they might not understand the requirements of the task itself. Try making the description of the task clearer or more detailed, or figure out what training this person may need to understand the requirements of the task. This response may mean that this person is not the right person at this time for this task.

If you don’t understand what’s being asked for, ask for clarification, such as, “What does a successful result look like?” You may need to have the requestor clarify terms or TLAs (three letter acronyms). Ask until you understand what’s being asked of you.

No concern, just making sure

I get this response too, but not very often. The person you’ve asked is just getting a validation (hopefully they’ll voice any concern with your prompting).

tl;dr

When you ask someone to do something and they respond with, “Are you sure you want me to do that?”, follow-up with the question, “Do you have a concern around that?”. There are a lot of reasons why someone may not jump right into a task, and by seeking to understand and asking about concerns, you’re likely to uncover a lot. If you are the one being asked to do something, and you’re not sure it’s the right thing to do, believe in your skills and experience to inform your comments, and deliver your concern respectfully.

engineer your life

  • Start by monitoring the response you get when you ask someone to do something, and what you are thinking when someone asks you to do something.
  • If you hear the trigger phrase, “Are you sure you want me to do that?”, follow-up with the question, “Do you have a concern around that?” and see how it goes.